So I have been feeling very angry. I am crying tears of anger as I am writing this. This might sound strange but I do not know if I have ever actually felt true anger until now. Truthfully. “Anger” had just not been part of my nature. But for the past few days it has been my main emotion and it sucks. I hate feeling this way. I am not sure what feels worse: anger of numbness. I have been asking myself what this emotion is trying to tell me and I don’t know. I really don’t know….other than my life is crap (feel like that is not the real answer just my anger talking). And I don’t know what to do with my anger.
I am angry at my Bishop. When I came to him with some concerns of how M was treating me back in October he told me that “He-who-must-not-be-named would not progress in his life without” me. I am angry that Bishop said that to me. That I stayed with He-who-must-not-be-named and things got worse. I am angry at God. Angry that I have done everything that he has ever asked me to do (life in general and with He-who-must-not-be-named) and that He sacrificed me. I feel like I was a sacrifice. Because He-who-must-not-be-named did “progress.” He can now take the sacrament and hold a calling. I did covenant to sacrifice my very life if necessary to the building of the kingdom of God. But really? Was THIS necessary?
I am mad at He-who-must-not-be-named. That he did this, this and this to me. That he isolated me. And this and this! THIS! And how could I forget this. And so much more that I have not written. I am angry that He-who-must-not-be-named hasn’t contacted me in 3 weeks. That I haven’t seen him or that sweet dog for two months! I am angry that he gets to make this choice and not me. I am so angry and hurt.
I am angry with myself. I love him still and want his attention. I want him to love me back and treat me right. And I hate myself for it. I hate that I have to pretend to be okay most of the time because other people can’t seem to handle it when I am not. I am so angry. I do not want to go to church. I do not want to fulfill my calling. I do not want to talk with the Bishop or anyone from church. I do not want to hang out with my friends because they piss me off for no reason (mainly because I feel like I have to put on a show, that I can’t share with them about He-who-must-not-be-named cause he might show up to church and I do not want to ruin any of his chances for his own healing).
I am angry and I do not want to be here. I am angry that I do not have the means, the money to go any where else. To escape and breathe new air for a while. I am angry angry and I feel like I am going to explode.
Not sure what I am to do with all this anger or what it is telling me.