He Has

When I first share my story with people (and I have shared it with VERY few) the first question they ask was if He-who-must-not-be-named ever harmed me physically.  My response is an immediate NO.  NEVER.  Well today when I was driving home from church I remembered something.  He has.

He never punched me or kicked me or anything like that but one time he went through about a dozen ways he could kill me, instantly.  But I was never scared.  I was never afraid of him.  Then there was this other time when I wouldn’t tell him something he wanted to know.  I don’t even remember what it was.  When I continually refused to tell him he pinned me down.  He straddled me and held my hands down above my head with one of his hands.  And then with the other hand he began to tap my sternum.  It hurt so bad!  I gave in after a few minutes and told him whatever he wanted to know.  I wore the biggest ugliest bruise on my breastbone for a couple of weeks after that.   Somehow my bruise became a joke between us.  We would laugh about it.  I. WOULD. LAUGH. ABOUT. IT.  What was wrong with me?!!!

So I am remembering this as I am driving home from church and I lose it.  I just lose it.  I start bawling in my car.  And I am so angry.  I am so angry.  I love this man and he hurt me.  He has hurt me in so many ways and I don’t even get to tell him.  I have been so good to him.   So good.  Like the time I came home and he had punched through a door and ripped it off it’s hinges.  He pulled cupboard doors off his kitchen cabinets. His knuckles were so bloody and broken.  And I knew how I responded would be important.  How I reacted would either push him further into his PTSD or help him take a step out so I simply said, “I like what you have done with the place, really opens things up.”  And we went on to have a great night.  I kissed his hands.  I have been so patient and understanding with all he has gown through.  I would walk it with him.  There is no one out there who could have the patience, the compassion and understanding, the education to see him, to see what he is going through and WALK WITH HIM the way that I could.  The way that I have.  And I would continue…..

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